Friday, November 7, 2003 03:22 p.m.
just got a livejournal. i like how it works much more than pitas. while pitas is nice, its just too simple and i dont like how the community it set up. no more updates here. pitas was nice but i gots to go. http://clockworm.livejournal.com

Friday, November 7, 2003 01:30 p.m.
didnt get much sleep last night. had to struggle for each hour. i was plagued by nightmares. one involved me being at someone's house with a strange group of people (including Neo), where we were selling dxm powder for like $1.50 a hit, because all the cops in town disappeared. all of a sudden, the terminator (the elderly one from T3) came running down the street guns ablaze. we all took off running, but one by one my companions were either gun downed, brutally dismembered, or worse. me and neo were the last ones alive and we had split up during our escape. he got shot like 10 times in the back and died, but somehow made a cameo during my death scene. he and i were hiding in some bathroom stalls, and the terminator took out this big rusty circular saw and just sliced through the entire stall at about knee-high level. i saw neo fall to the floor, but his feet were still standing. the terminator walked up to him and shot him another 10 or 15 times in the head. then the terminator shattered my stall with a kick, leaving me cowering there like the dude in jurassic park. that's when i woke up.

Thursday, November 6, 2003 02:25 p.m.
been second-guessing my decision to stay of dxm. i guess at the time i was confused and a little scared. i miss tripping and i had a lot more fun while dexed. the problem is that A (ashley) is taking the drug-free thing seriously. i guess i would be a major asshole if i convinced her to stay clean, and then give into drugs myself. right now she's the only reason im staying off. im not weak, just confused. im so close to ordering more powder (though not nearly as much) but ive decided to put it off until im more sure of what i really want to do. i just hope she understands if i revert to being a dexhead. i think bob would not hold anything against me if i dosed again...

Thursday, November 6, 2003 05:44 a.m.
well, the matrix trip was a mixed bag. we got a pretty good hookup on weed, so we got high on the way there (and the way back, and again after we got back) we made good time there, but once we got to charleston, we sorta-kinda got lost. well as any single person knows, if you get a couple in a car and get them lost, hilarity ensues. well, we stop off at huddle house before the show. i wasnt hungry so i just asked for water, only to get pestered by the waitress because she would rather "run something besides water" when she never once refilled my drink. so she didnt have to run shit. get to the show, only to find out its jam-packed with the most annoying, snobbish, college crowd i've yet come across. i almost wanted to leave the theater right then and there. i finished all my candy within the first 10 minutes of the pre-show wait. eventually the show started, and i must say i was pretty disappointed with the entire first part of the movie. a lot of talking and story development, but only one action scene (albeit a kickass one). once the machines broke through to zion, that's when the movie became fucking AWESOME...though in a way only south carolinians can do, they fuck up the movie. the sound became out of sync with the video, so it was like watching a kung fu movie. the whole final battle was a little to outlandish and dragonball z-ish, but i wasn't too bad. afterward, i got my $30 refunded. so i got to watch the matrix on a 5-story screen with 12,000 watts of audio goodness for FREE. never again will i watch an action film on an imax screen. with crappy seats, the perspective was so fucked up i got a headache. not everything works with the IMAX format.
anyhoo, after we got back, we watched 8 crazy nights (the movie i left before seeing last night). the movie was fucking great and provide a much need morale boost...that and i was pretty baked. afterwards, we conversed till 5am when i left. the night started off a little disappointing, but ended pretty good.

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 02:25 p.m.
for some reason, im feeling a little down. im not for going into why. got high last night for the first time in a couple days. i got a little too high and got very sleepy. i was at bob and A's watching movies. i bounced right after the first movie and left them to watch the other. hope i didn't offend them, i was just too tired. for some reason, i just wanted to go home. it could've been several reasons, i don't know.
on a brighter note, im going to see third matrix movie in an IMAX theater with them tonight. its gonna r0x0rz my b0x0rz. been to an IMAX once before and watched some documentary about the ocean or some shit. people were more interested in the gigantic screen than what was playing.

Monday, November 3, 2003 09:11 p.m.
no more dxm for me. seriously. i've decided that i've had more than enough fun on the stuff and that i cannot do it forever. will i never touch the stuff again? i don't know. but i've learned so much about myself and about others. i don't regret a single minute of my dxm use and i think the drug is a wonderful drug. its just that dxm is not a drug that can just be used casually. in order to be a true dexhead, you gotta be tough enough to handle the drug. you also have to know yourself very well too. that's why a lot of people cant handle it. they just don't know themselves as well as they think. im trying to reduce my marijuana usage, but right now weed is such a minor drug to me, and there are other drugs for me to explore. i think everybody with a strong mind and spirit should experience drugs. but that exploration should be done responsibly. and right now, i have too much shit to do in my life to spend me free time dosing a gram a dex and going through case after case of whippets. believe me, its fun as hell and ive learned more about myself in the 6 months or so that i've had done dxm than i did through out my teenage years. im just glad i have true friends that understand that. with their help, i know i can do this. the first week will be hard, but its a choice that i've made and im not going to let myself or my friends down.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 05:13 p.m.
my whole life i never had access to the path of self-discovery. i just wandered aimlessly looking for myself. where do i start? but now i think ive found my beginning. the self is most important. no matter how many people you help or make happy, if you aren't among them, your life will be for nothing. you are the most important person in your life.

Monday, October 27, 2003 03:18 a.m.
i dont know whats going on. i dont know who my friends are. i dont know who is using me. i dont know the truth. i just feel uneasy. a friend told me that friends often take advantage of each other. if that were so, then they would not be a friend. i dont know. people dont speak, everyones afraid to speak. i cant see the roads and i cant see the boundaries.

Saturday, October 25, 2003 05:45 p.m.
major changes. my circle of friends has fractured. bob and A have been banned from #stonerhouse. i view everyone differently now. i gave bob and A 25g of dxm powder for them to sell and make some money. somehow i think they'll just eat most of it...but oh well, whatever makes them happy. i've tripped over at A's apartment twice in a row, including my first 1g trip. it was definately the most enjoyable trip. whippets and a spinning chair are a great combo. i've gotten closer to bob and A during the two days they've they've been away from the stoner house than i was when they were there. its like therapy or something. do drugs and talk about life.

Thursday, October 23, 2003 04:52 p.m.
been too lazy to update...heh. well i got fifty grams of 99.9% pure powder dxm. i forsee disaster in my near future. :-)

Monday, October 6, 2003 03:56 p.m.
so today bob, N, and A are quitting everything, including cigarettes. i dont know for how long, but i suspect for approx 6 months. last night we got high one last time together. no one was seriously tripping (except maybe R) so we were able to enjoy the time. we talked a lot about life, childhood, and shit. i finally realized the what being from the south really means. i never realized that i was lucky enough to see the world. a lot of people have never left the country, or even the state for that matter. the dxm affected me in a weird way last. it stayed below the surface and didnt overpower my system. i still was able to think and see clearly. i just felt the trip affecting my boby more than my mind. T had some life-changing experience while he, bob and A were up in NC with some other dexheads. i didnt believe everyone when they spoke about T's experience and how changed he was. but i saw it with my own two eyes. he's a totally changed person. ive never seen anyone change that much that quickly. he's happy and comfortable with himself and his surroundings. ive had a few of those life-changing epiphanies...but they always seem to really affect me in a much milder way. last night i began to really understand how isolated i kept myself. i really was anti-social and wasn't completely aware of it. i saw my old self in an entirely new light and what i saw saddened and confused me. its very unreal. im a different person now than i was a year or two ago. i started my journey much later than other people. im almost 21 and its taken this long to figure myself out. im just glad its happening. living the rest of my life as the old me would suck.

Sunday, October 5, 2003 03:29 a.m.
tonight went entirely different from what i planned. i was expected to get off round 9 or 10 and do dxm and trip with R and maybe someone else. instead, M2 kept me late to help her close shop an hour early and she let others go early(no one likes closing at 1am). i was up for it, so me and J3 busted ass taking like 5 or 6 deliveries at once. i drove the shit out of that little mazda. afterwards, J3 told me that C, D, M, M's bf, and D2 were partying at C's house. so i decide to stay at work and help M2 and J3 clean up and shit. we go there and in the hour or so i was there, had a blast. M and her bf had left before we arrived, and to my surprise D3 was there. while i was cool with all these people, i had never hung out with them outside of work. it honestly felt better than chilling at my usual hangout, the stoner house. maybe because it was a different environment and these were totally different people. i dont know.
after i left the party, i came to the stoner house and found it silent. bob, A, and T had came back from NC while i was working and were totally fucked up on pure power dxm. bob took like 1.7g. i can't even imagine doing that much. so by the time i got there they were long dead. it was just N and R. N had redosed on dxm from the night before and R had smoked a shit load of weed and did valium. N crashed soon after i got there, so the whole house was pretty much gone. i smoked a bowl and left.
i wish had partied with my co-workers a long time ago. its sad that it took me this long, but my social life is definately getting better. they're such great people and i can find myself hanging out with them a lot. i drunk a little vodka, mixed drinks, did some hydrocodine (apparently not enough to fuck me up), and smoked a small joint. these are definately not the power smokers i usually hang out with. i must sound pretty cheesy and moronic, but i swear M2's becoming more and more appealing to me. problem is, she has a very young child, and just recently started sorta-kinda seeing a guy i knew in high school whos in the military now. but she only sees him when hes not shipped off to cuba or somewhere. i would never have thought that i would be partying with her when she first arrived at my work. its strange how things turn out and how people are entirely different from what you first see. none of this would've happened if B hadn't cracked a joke about me being a pothead in front of M2. up until that point, only B and another manager knew about me being a smoker. D2 joked about it, but wasnt sure. in fact, D3 told me he was completely oblivious to me smoking and wish he knew that before. i guess i dont make it known that i smoke marijuana (i donts think i look like one). weed definately has opened up new doors for me. its made my life better, im sure. now i just need to become more of a drinker. i dont know what to make of the night. something new and enjoyable happened...yet i still feel like the night was wasted somehow...probably because i didnt even get a buzz at all tonight. also, i attended the end of to parties. missed all the good stuff...oh well.

Saturday, October 4, 2003 02:45 a.m.
haven't gotten high in like 2 days. im not really bothered by that, but when i think about how busy those two days were at work...i think i kinda deserved to get high. oh well.
i got sunday off and asked for monday off, so i might be tripping sat night and maybe monday, not sure. but im gonna trip at least once. robo gels all the way. i can 300mg and not be phased with nausea. but if i do 600mg than that i puke. i wouldn't even try 900mg...no matter how tough your gut is, 60 gels will definately fuck your system up. maybe thats one of the causes of all those bad reports about the robo gels. people say, yeah i have a high tolerance, so let me do 3 boxes. from what i've seen, just one box is enough for most people to have a good time. 2 for the more resistant. if you need more than that, stick to syrup or better yet, powder. your digestive system will thank you. powder is definately the best way to do dxm, but gels are the most convenient i find. then again, i seem to be the lucky few who can do the robo gels without getting mad stomach problems or the shits.

Thursday, October 2, 2003 05:54 a.m.
sorry, i'm really really bored and can't sleep.
today, to my absolute surprise, i smoked weed at work. things have been changing round work past week or so. M, the girl who impressed me with her bravery during a robbery, is a total bitch now. she's getting on my nerves, even though we've always been cool with each other. M2, on the other hand, has been really cool with me lately. in fact, it was her and another co-worker (who i think deals) who invited me to smoke with them while closing. M2 and i were talking comfortably and joking around with each other for the first time (maybe cause we were a little high). i didn't like her much when she first got hired, but i have to admit i thought she was rather attractive. a friend of mine who's her roomie told me she thought i hated her. i hope she doesn't think that, cause i don't...in fact, im afraid im beginning to really like her. i hope we continue to be cool with each other.
outside of work, i tripped again a couple nights back. this time 600mg. i was fine with the first bottle of gels, but the second made me sick for a frew minutes. it began to go down hill after A spilled the bongwater on herself. she like totally flipped. my trippin ass told her to calm down and to not worry, its just water after all (come to think of it, i wouldn't really like bongwater on me)...i don't remember exactly what she said, but she like lashed out at me. being under the influence, and having my inhibitions lowered, i was absolutely shocked and got pissed off. i didn't even want to recognize her presence in the room. dxm does weird shit to me. i get easily offended and very emotional, something which is totally alien to my daily life. in recreational use, im sticking to just 300mg. i've made a fool of myself enough as it is...besides, im getting tired of cleaning my vomit-stained clothing at 4am. im leaving bigger doses for solo trips. speaking of which, i plan to use some of my big fat paycheck (which i BETTER get or domino's will of one disgruntled employee going berserko on they ass) to purchase 30g of pure powder dxm. planning for personal use and maybe share with some friends...don't plan on selling. but if i did, i could $5 for 500mg which ain't so bad compared to what you can get at like a walmart or a drug store. if i sold all of it, that's like $300 or something. now i know why people sell drugs. :-D

Sunday, September 28, 2003 04:46 a.m.
well i was unusually happy and confident for a day...then around 9ish it went down hill from there. smoke a little weed after work...a little baked. whoo ha...

Saturday, September 27, 2003 05:05 p.m.
what plateau did i hit? my weirdest and most vivid dxm trip:(very long sorry)

i had taken a large bottle of delsym. i can't remember how many ounces it is...but i believe its around 900mg of dxm (though i could be and probably am wrong). i must have a relatively low tolerance to dxm, as i've hit 3rd on as little as 450mg. i weigh 150. anyway i had take then bottle during a 90 min period (we were watching the hot chick) between noon and one. afterward, we watch about schmidt. about halfway through the movie, quite long movie actually, the effects kicked in. i was in some bizarre dream state, yet i was aware of where i was, what i was doing, and who i was talking to. the movie just seemed weird and disturbing (and it is). afterward, while my roommate dicked around on the computer,i put on some music and sat upside down in the recliner i was on. my vision was extremely blurry and doubled. i remember thinking how fucked up i was. nothing stronger than i had experienced before, but still strong. anyway, next thing i know we're leaving to go to someone's house. i obviously couldn't drive. my roommate couldn't drive my car well since it was a manual. i had let him drive it prior to tripping so he could learn a little. my memory of the car trip is limited 4 or 5 still images. i do know that before we got to the first light, i was tripping like a madman. i had to vomit...bad...so i roll down the window and did my best to puke out the window as best i could. while i was aware that i was vomiting out the window of my own car at a stop light in front of other people, i didn't seem to care really. anyway, so i drift in and out of consciousness several more times. we we arrive, no ones home. i can't drive and my roommate didn't feel comfortable driving home, we just chilled on the front steps. i had recovered somewhat, though i had this bad feeling that i was never going to come down. after sitting for 15 minutes listening to the dumb kids across the street thrash their electric bike thingy, i said i couldn't stand the sound anymore so we went out back. i was laying on an old car seat they have on their back deck looking up at the sky and the tree above us. i was fascinated by how rich the green tree looked next to the white sky. i was surrounded by green plants and felt like i was in some high school biology lab experiment or something. i remember thinking how pathetic my life was and how i was unsure of what i want to do with my life. the usual self-criticism shit. after a while, "bob" and his girl A come by and i was whisked away inside where bad things like portishead and other bass-heavy sounds were present. i was definitely tripping too hard to enjoy the music. i lingered on the edge of unconscious and conscious...like i was dwelling in my sub-conscious. i don't remember much after that, but the next few hours passed quickly. there was definately some weed in there somewhere. some other people came, M3 and someone else maybe. meanwhile, i became this primitive creature without the mental capacity to think. then, i felt myself ripped from that reality into another reality. i was in a room with probably 2 girls and 2 or 3 guys. they were talking but i couldn't hear them. again i felt myself ripped from what i thought was real. my world just stopped. blackness and silence. but i was still thinking...i can't say about what, i just felt my brain processing information...like some chemical computer. it was just processing *something*...maybe my life functions...i don't know. i as a person ceased to be and the universe disappeared. i was just some sort of surreal being in nothingness. then something bad happened. i regained my vision and saw a weird brown texture. my vision was vague and i wasn't aware of what i was seeing...i as a person still didn't exist completely yet. i felt this weird feeling...like a mix between awe and fear. i remember feeling scared because i didn't know if i existed or what reality was real. but obviously, if i was thinking whether or not i existed, then that proves i DID exist. i could feel myself travel through multiple barriers. then all of sudden i became a complete being again, my universe consisted entirely of the weird brown texture i saw in my mind. everything began to twist. i could feel the universe twist and twist like a wet cloth. i could feel it twist tighter and painfully tighter, and even though i can't explain it, i could actually hear it tighten. it was so unbearable and i thought it would get exponentially worse and worse. then something amazing happened. i heard voices. yes, there were other entities in this bizarre twisted universe. i couldn't make out what they were saying, as their voices were distant and thin. but i could make out male and female voices. the realization that i wasn't alone hit me like some memory from a distant life i once lived. i tried to figure out who they were. why would i be hearing them? were they alien beings discussing my situation? had i been reincarnated? had i died? at this moment i wasn't scared. i can best describe it as a beautiful hell. echoes of who i was began to ripple, i could feel them. pieces of me were returning. i began to get excited like some primitive space baby. i was born again and i could see and feel myself traveling through the years back to my original self. at this time, with more of my mental capabilities available to me, i began to think more about the weird texture i saw in the background (there was no foreground oddly). i studied it and studied it...it was a cloth...like a rug or something. i could still hear the voices. it sounded like they were making fun of me. i remember thinking, "how can they laugh at me? how can they be so cruel? can't they see what's happening? why won't they save me!" i began to panic, though this time it was worse than before because i now had access to my brain. things were no longer primordial and simple. i had genuine complex human emotions at my disposal. i began to feel a falling sensation. the sudden realization that my face was planted between a couch and a rug hit me like an ray of light. i gotten even more scared once i realized where i was and what had happened to me. i learned that i was actually on dxm and i knew where i was. the whole trip changed as i now fought for sanity. i felt like was was drowning in some weird brain black hole. i was drowning in psychosis and i was deathly afraid that i'd disappear in the vastness of my own mind. i struggled and i fought to get back to reality. i'd make progress and get a gasp of fresh reality, then i'd slip back into psychosis. i needed help. eventually i recalled someone having a bad trip one day and taking some medication to bring her down quicker. i needed that very thing. i asked for help but heard nothing. i tried to remember who she had spoken to when get got help. who help her? who would help me? i remember myself asking A if she could help me. she must know something i thought. i thought she was laughing at me and saying she couldn't help me and for me to be quiet or something. R was there and he kept "reassuring" me that i was just tripping. i felt angry. in my primitive brain, i needed help and i was pushed away to suffer. eventually i was given v8 juice, which i hate. but it was very cold and very delicious at the time. i had actually come to my senses. i was still worried about whether this reality was my true reality. well, to close things off, the rest of the night i spent recovering from my experience...still not completely sure of myself or my surroundings. i remember watching A Beautiful Mind and being amazed at how similar his experience was to mine. i felt a new peace i never felt. the world as i saw it disappeared completely. it's as if i got up from my position in life and moved to another. my perspective was altered forever that day. to this day, several months later, i still feel like a different person than i was before. whether or not this "feeling" is brain damage, i don't know nor do i care. i'm definitely a happier person now. i'm still not sure what plateau i reached. all i know is that while i wouldn't mind experiencing that level again, i'd would honestly be content if i never did. i was still under the influence of dxm & weed at like 4am whe i went home.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 05:30 a.m.
so im cruising down x street on a delivery, and i spot this shitty ass mazda 323, gray like mine, parked alongside of the road. it was some odd collection of old cars in area. probably some used car place or junkyard or some shit. anyway, i recently suffered body damaged to my car and im like yeah, i could steal that front clip of that car @ like 3 in da a.m. (that's spanish for you know, like grand larceny or some shit) and i could probably see if it has pass-side mirror. and while im at it, i really like the new tailights...hmmm...socket set could take at least the clip i need if the doors are locked. i could raid that little piece of shit and take what i need at like 4 am.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 05:24 a.m.
finally, after this time, i have finallyd discovered the best way for me to enjoy drugs. ive found my spot on the drug chart. i know which drugs, when used together, can get me the optimum high. and ive found it...after many not so horrible tests. ive found an experience thats both enlightening and enjoyable...something that didnt hit too hard, but hit where it counted...im actually...believe it or not...happy. yay for me. loser.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 03:18 a.m.
drugs are bad

Thursday, September 25, 2003 02:55 a.m.
yeah...so like...i am work at like 9 something or another, and this white car comes riding up. and im like yo...and they like yo...pure powder dxm. i say wha? they say pure powder in my tummy. im like word. they like yeah. im like you got more? they like naw, got only a g that they split between them twos. im like oh. they're like yeah we almost trippin. im like yo maybe after work i might buy some shit. 45 minutes later, M2 (ass manager) is like you wanna roll? im like yeah. i gots like $15 buck or some shit...so i like get 2 bottles of robo gel caps and down one of them. only 300mg, i might redose later you know...so i go to they's house and no ones there, so i's chill for a while...and like J pulls up with them and theys like we looking for some bud. they's was tripping by now, so im like word. so like we go round chillin in J's new ride. J works with me and shit. he wasn't tripping though, so we chill at they's place looking for phone to call up some boys and we's talking and shit. and im like yo i feel that shit coming on, lemme step outside. didn't throw up or get sick...just a little uncomfortable. a first of these robo gels. so we like jet to this dude's house and he's like dry, so we try this other place and they ain't home...so we just chilling....and we met up with N and T at the crib. they's like we ain't got no blunts, and im like yo here a dollar...so they get some shit...and some stuff happened...whatever...and im like pretty messed up. yeah.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 03:14 a.m.
nah. i just have a fever. word.

Monday, September 22, 2003 09:19 p.m.
shit im exhausted. i've spoked countless blunts this week. i woke up physically drained and emotionally empty. im to drained to do anything, yet i cant sleep. is this depression? i could be depressed and not know it. its been a long time since ive felt energetic and enthusiastic over something. i drift through life aimlessly...but i dont know if im unhappy with the way things are going. what if i bottle in all my depressed feelings and shit. that would suck. also i dont know if im lonely or not. i mean, i have friends and shit, but what if im missing something. its been almost a year since ive been with a member of the opposite sex. and even that was purely physical. truthfully, i hated the bitch. there is one girl i infatuated with, but i havent seen her since i left school. i get the feeling that at one point, she liked me and i could've hooked up with her, but i was too nervous to speak to her. of course, a girl that good-looking doesn't stay single forever. poor me i suppose. but back to subject, i am curious as to why im so empty these past few months. has it been longer? don't know. im not suicidal and i dont cry myself to sleep. eh, im probably just getting high too much. im a stoner through and through. :-(

Sunday, September 21, 2003 04:39 a.m.
i had just gotten home like 20min ago, 3 blunts & some jagermeister, im approached the back door and i see my cat curled up on the top step. he ain't supposed to be there, as he sleeps in either my room or the garage. he is an indoor cat who's just now (he's a year mid upcoming dec) getting access to outdoors via doggy-door. he didn't notice me until i was in like six feet, and he just bolted back toward the door-door...realizing he wasn't near the door and just slammed into the door. he bolted off into the yard. i went in and he comes in like nothing happened. he's a retarded cat. but i love my lil buddy, and im a dog-person! i just thought one day, "what the hell, ill give cats a shot" and got him at like 8wks. he's name eventually ended up charly. he's tailless though i dont think he's manx or jap bobtail...he just a mixed up ghetto cat who looks pretty (chicks like him for some reason). he isnt a mellow cat, though he's changing as he gets older. i guess ill never get around to declawing his front paws...hes a vicious fuck when he plays. at least he aint go nuts anymore...yet he still goes down on himself like a dirty animal...:-)

Saturday, September 20, 2003 02:31 a.m.
was at work (my first day back) and at around 10:30pm i'm coming back from a delivery, and like 4 police cruisers and an unmarked were parked out front. the whole domino's crew(tm) were chillin' outside. i thought wtf? turns out some jerkass came in with a pistol and made off with approx $60. C, the manager in that night, just emptied out the tray of big cash leaving only ones, fives, and a few tens. if that guy had robbed the store just 15 minutes earlier, he would've netted $250+. M, the girl who dished out the cash was pretty brave i heard and didn't appear at all shaken. i have a new respect for her now. i, on the other hand, made off with $20 in tips...promptly invested in the 'get me high' fund.

Friday, September 19, 2003 05:13 a.m.
i'm higher than i have ever been before. and only off 450mg of dxm plus 2 joints. this is weird. my body is weird. i've done more drugs, but have never been higher. R got fucked up with me tonight, he's lost his mind. we were having fun with him we thought he was a puppet. but seriously, i have tripped higher than i ever have. maybe the weed was laced, but the past 5 hours have been the weirdest of my life. so unreal....so fake...so...and i gotta get up to go to staples to get some copies of shit i need for wrok. be at work at 5 pm bit i have am so high. god dman this was a g oood high i dont' know what c aused it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 11:42 p.m.
god i want to move out. i can't stand my family anymore. my mom bitched at me for taking some coins out her jar of coins. she claims that $5 of gas should last me a while. bullshit. its like $1.50+ /gal around here. i'm driving me and my youngest sis around town...so like after 2 days i needed another $5, which i borrowed from my other sis. now they're getting on my case cause i "stole" a few bucks for more gas. $5 lasts me like 2 maybe 3 days. idiots...i miss living on my own. no matter impoverished i was, i wasn't bothered by being poor and living off microwavable burritos and mountain dew, just as long as the bills got paid. i had very little, but i had very little stress too. this family is so disturbed and miserable, it actually hurts. its driving me insane...who needs responsibility...that's what's killing people. they put themselves through hell to get a good education and a good job, just so they can be "someone." responsibility and hard-work does not lead to happiness...just stress and regrets.

Monday, September 15, 2003 09:14 p.m.
love you brightly
sweetly softly down your back,
whispers of a loving breeze
graced your flame with a darkness,
gentle so intimate so secret,
shared with a kindred spirit.

Monday, September 15, 2003 02:59 a.m.
dude, my car got fucked up. underneath the front bumper is a little metal part. it got almost ripped off while being repair or before it got to me. the thing is covered in greasy finger prints where is was hastily put back on. hell, the hood and fender have fingerprints too. whoever fucked it up didn't think to cover up the evidence...dumbshits

Saturday, September 13, 2003 12:01 p.m.
tripped pretty good last night on two bottles of robo gelcaps (~600mg). don't remember much, but smoked two blunts and i really really enjoyed that trip. that's all i know...

Friday, September 12, 2003 02:02 p.m.
i'm pretty excited. i'm getting my car tomorrow afternoon. it's been absolutely months since I've had a car. I wrecked my beloved plymouth laser and had to have my old mazda 323 repaired. the mechanic had it for 2 months and didn't touch the damn thing. so a few hundred dollars and 3 months later, I'm finally getting my car back in working condition. having to rely on my mom's car sucked donkey balls. now i need to get a job! i'm looking at papa john's pizza, but don't see anything happening there. i can pretty much get my old job at domino's back. though the idea of driving 80-100 miles a day around town and looking for unmarked addresses in the ghetto isn't very compelling, the idea of going home each night with $15-$60 in tips alone is. look out mary jane, i'm coming home to ya baby!

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 05:39 p.m.
can't seem to quit with the entries...im thinking about doing a big dose of dxm. i've only done major doses like once and it messed me up royal for 12+ hours. i didn't enjoy it at times because it was so overwhelming, but i experienced things i can't forget. but this time i know what to expect. i'm thinking 2 boxes of robo gels @ around ~$12. i can't even look at a delsym bottle anymore and smoking blunts gets old. im thinking like 30 pills @ 30mg each. i'm not that big a dude @ a buck fifty even so that should really fuck me up. now i just need a place and time. i'd hate to spent the better part of a day locked in my room (it sucks to be living at home again) but i don't know the situation at my usual hangout. in other news, i also want to try morning glory, but haven't gotten around to it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 04:28 p.m.
and now for something more uplifting. clicka-clicka!

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 03:29 p.m.
Withhold not correction from the child, for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. (Prov. 23:13)

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 02:25 p.m.
What the hell is happening to our country?

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 09:00 a.m.
had a dream where my brother had somehow been transformed into a rat and killed by rat poison. shortly after my father died. no one was aware of their deaths except me. finally, my mother died in a car accident. all this occured in like a week's time. quite disturbing dream actually.

Friday, September 5, 2003 09:44 p.m.
well i just woke up after my nap, and i had a very vivid dream. it all began with me wondering around my local super walmart with a big ass bag of weed in my hand. apparently no one seem to notice. the funny thing was, i was looking for something to put the bag in to hide it. i found a big duffle-like bag made out of the nice leather. the only problem was that it had a marijuana motif on the outside. "this definately won't do. what if they think i have marijuana in it?" i thought. so i gave up that idea and left the store. i don't remember what happened to the bag, but it was no longer on my person. anyway, i was walking through a huge dark field when someone ran up behind me. i turned around to see who was chasing me and as soon as i turned, i was startled so much i fell. it was a female cop/security guard. she asked me to stand up and she proceeded to search my person for stolen goods. i tried explaining to her that i didn't steal anything. i was losing my temper with her because she wasn't listening to anything i said. she just kept searching and talking on her radio. i was royally pissed off now. not finding anything on me, she asked me to come with her. wtf!? "for what!?" i shouted. it was as if she was determined to find something. i thought about opening the bag with the weed-design and putting my bag in it. maybe that counts as intent to shop-lift. that and i was walking through a large unlit field. anyhow, the next thing i remember was running to my car (a kia sportage for some reason) and backing out of the parking lot so that the cameras couldn't record my license plate. then i woke up. weird huh...

Friday, September 5, 2003 01:40 p.m.
i've decided that once i get a regular cash flow heading my way, that i'm going to invest in a decent book collection. i've tired of computer games; and the web, as much as there is to do, no longer entertains and amazes me like it did way back in 97. it's just an alternative to life...don't get me started with television (though i'm still a movie buff). nothing is greater than sitting in bed reading a good book at like 3 in the morning. ME time! some authors i like: jules verne, robert louis stevenson, frances hodgson burnett, daniel defoe, edgar allen poe, henry rider haggard, arthur conan doyle, thomas malory, robert michael ballantyne, kenneth grahame, edgar rice burrows, c.s. lewis, and j.r.r. tolkien. all of whom are dead. :-( i also really like brian jacques, and own 3 of his books already.

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 12:06 p.m.
here's my plan: 1. get a job (so far very difficult in my dead town). it looks like i'm stuck with domino's pizza again...ugh. 2. pay off my mom so she'll stop bitching at me...ugh. 3. start taking automotive courses at my local tech college. perhaps some welding classes too. from there, i can jump into machinist training. that way, i can get a decent job at pretty much anywhere. I don't need a professional career and a big house to be happy. but hell, i can always go that route if i need to. some careers that interest me are graphical design, any form of musical/sound work, and maybe advertising (yes, advertising. the very capitalist practice i hate most of all.) i've always liked smart, funny, unique ads that distinguish themselves from the mindless, flashy, greed-driven ads...as rare as they are. while i love what computers can do, i would not like to work with them. devil's work they are!

a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away
cant you read the message? i have a problem. there are children in the light bulb that keep making fun of me cause the bulb goes out on time when its not supposed to. they give me un conditional love but they hurt me deeply and make me feel bad about me and i cant talk back they dont hear well through the bulb which i can understand but they must feel me. word. those sons of bitches must die so i break the bulb and have to replace it. doesnt that defeat the purpose of having a merry-go-round in my room. i cant play when im sad you know... the rain that falls kills all thrills till merry-go-round stops in the rain. dex is fun on the ride cause all things spin with the flashing of lights and shitty-ass fair muzik. need to get rid of mirrors though cause i see myself laughing. at what? me? hope not. the 8-bit tunes on the sidewalk outside my house sound BROKE on them subs that i dont own. will play them on the ride so friends can enjoy them with chemicals too it will be BROKE as hell! i keep spending my 1/4s on the ride but sssshhhh i get them back at the end of the night so its all good. word. too fuckod to think write now. k bye.

Thursday, August 28, 2003 03:59 a.m.
as i sit here, stoned out of my mind, i have come to the realization that apple jacks is one of the greatest junkfood on the planet. i take in big heaping spoonfulls of the goodness of that which does not taste like apples......now that i am finished, and i fight off the different attempts of my cat to get to the left-over milk, i can enjoy the good feeling that i can get up and get more.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 02:31 a.m.
dear skye: do you know how hard it is so summon everything you can to even speak? only to have your precious few random words shot down by a girl whos tired of guys. she wants someone thoughful, compassionate, creative... guys who can emphasize and appreciate her on so many levels-- a guy who wakes up every beautiful day with the gift of seeing her glorious face. a guy who cant imagine life without her, without her angelic fire keeping him going through good days and bad. she classifies guys into categories and retreats within her heart to the safety of an empty relationship. so here i am a blank face in a crowd my sacrificed love lost to chemicals

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 06:07 a.m.
okay i'm not so up for moving into the city and shit. after all, i WAS out of my mind at the time. today i bought weed for the first time in like 2 months or so. up until now, i had been smoking off my friends. like 2-4 blunts every night or so. i don't really enjoy leeching of others, but i am flat broke. but today i put in a dub + ten that T put in. we got pretty high off just that blunt. we had smoked the leftovers of R's and N's earlier in 2 blunts. i must say that last few blunts have been really harsh, but only i seemed to notice. maybe i should start smoking cigarettes. :) nah jk. that stuff's bad for you. :D my weed was smoked in a pina colada blunt. that plus the really good weed made that the smoothest blunt i've smoked in a while. oops, enough about my sad dribble over weed...i apologize.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 05:42 p.m.
i think i'm going to take a break from dxm for a while. i can get stoned all the time and not feel like a druggie...but dxm is just too intense. plus i hate the afterglow (which some people apparently like) because it makes me feel like a mindless zombie. ideally you're supposed to wait like at least a week or two between trips. longer with higher doses. but i tripped 3 times in 4 days. once on coricidin and twice on those new robitussen gelcaps that my local super walmart has started selling. i swear to god those pills are like targeted to dexheads. i've decided to stop with the ccc's and just stick to the gelcaps. though i wonder how long those'll be around.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 05:39 p.m.
well no one showed up and charges were dropped. i still feel like crap because of the dxm.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 11:33 a.m.
didn't get much sleep. i need the car so i have to take my mom to work. after which, i should turn in a job application and maybe come home for more sleep. gotta be up again though, and be in traffic court at 5pm. lost my car in traffic accident about a month ago. of course the lady that caused the accident left the scene, leaving me with the blame. i've been told by the officer and the opposing party to just show up. with no one else there, the case'll get dropped. i swear to god if he shows up i'll be pissed. i lost my job because of that accident, so my mom had to pay $706 for damages to his bumper (2 dents and some paint marks). i've been dicked over before by a car accident, so maybe this time'll go well. i hope.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 05:10 a.m.
what do i want to do with my life? right now, all i want to do is move to a big city (like maybe san francisco, seattle, boston, , or new york). find myself a job as a bartender somewhere and a nice little apartment. i want to live the city life. an eventful, yet stable, life. i want a favorite book store. a favorite sandwhich shop. to meet new people in the park. i want to leave all this behind. not necessarily lonely...but introspective.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 04:29 a.m.
tonight is an amazing night. tonight i have decided to change my life. granted, i'm under the effects of dxm, but i've realized the suburban life i had been living these past 10 years is not for me. it is 4:30 in the freaking morning and i've been in my bed thinking about my pitiful little life. i have no desire to go to college, get a professional job, and buy a house, marry a beautiful wife, and have two kids. i am not the person to work hard at getting an education, so that i can find my "career" and marry a beautiful woman and have perfect kids. the life i see on television. i want to enjoy my life and be happy. i am finally aware of the damage that has been done to me as a person by this pathetic mundane state. i used to be a vibrant, enthusiastic, smart person. but ten years i've spent living here has killed me. i have become another mindless inhabitant of the south. i have realized that my generation is as different as my mother's was to her mother. a confession: i graduated with a 3.0 in high school in 2001. i coasted through school by doing the least i could to get by. as was expected, went on to college where i half-assed my way through 2 years. while i didn't get into computers really until about 1995, by then computers were the "thing." just being "good" with computers isn't really special anymore. my mom seems to think the opposite. anyway, around mid 2002, moved out after an argument with my mom. with all my shit in my 88 accord, i moved in with an independent friend. it was during this time that i began to use drugs & alcohol. while my brother (and his fraternity life) really introduced me to alcohol, i was introduced to drugs by some people i didn't even know. it was a friend of a friend thing. these people lived together and used all sorts of drugs. up until that time, i had naivley promised myself i wouldn't smoke or drink (as a child i had problems with asthma) but after being drunk for the first time...experiencing the effects of my reality changing, i decided that this was something i enjoyed. As of now, I have done sevearl drugs. the ones i do often are marijuana and dxm (robitussin.) i find it pretty ironic that an asthmatic smokes reefer. i mean i can't stand cigarette smoke. but i love da 'erb. i guess this is my time to experiment and figure out my life. just like my mother did in the 60s and 70s.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 09:57 p.m.
i don't know what to think about all this crap. I've made several attempts are creating my own space on the net but, i admit, i have a short attention span when comes to things like this. well i hope i can pull this one off. i've been looking for something to do with all my blabberings on my pc, and this seemed like a good idea. i've been reading other blogs looking for inspiration, cause god knows i need this.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 06:17 p.m.
i like to have a place to dump my brain when i'm chemically altered. good for the soul.